It’s been four months now since my husband, Michael, died. Inside the storm I’ve been pondering, digesting, reading, observing, crying (obviously) and talking and now, more than ever I feel passionate about how we all choose to communicate with each other.
For context, in my professional life, I’ve spent the last 15 years working with businesses and helping managers to communicate with their staff, customers and each other. It’s a passion for me, helping people to communicate with each other in a constructive way that will help them to achieve what they want to and cope with change in their environments. Sometimes my work has included advising and handling, ‘crisis communications’. For example, how to handle communications should a fatality take place at an oil manufacturing plant.
On 27 March, Michael and his student Alannah were involved in a tragic skydiving accident. Neither of them survived.
In the immediate aftermath of the accident, the most difficult part that I encountered, other than the emotional distress of the situation, was how information was communicated.
When an accident happens, in skydiving or otherwise, communicating the right information to the right people becomes a time-critical, life-or-death task. The access to information that we al have today through our multiple mobile devices and the internet is unprecedented, in both its immediacy and its power. In particular, social media platforms provide not just a source for us to obtain information but to broadcast it too, whether intentionally or unintentionally. And its reach is truly global.
Let’s look at a few typical reactions that we might have after an incident…. ‘Something’ has happened and you think a friend of yours is injured. Things you might choose to do could be:
1. Posting statements or questions on your friend’s Facebook page
2. Posting statements or questions on your friend’s partner’s Facebook page or sending them messages, texts etc.
3. Sharing information that you have seen / heard / obtained from people at the scene of the accident with others via texts, Facebook, messenger services, Whatsapp etc.
Do you know if these actions will actually help or hinder? Here’s a view from inside the storm and some questions to consider…
1. Posting statements or questions on your friend’s Facebook page
Question: When a friend / loved one is involved in a serious accident, will they be checking/answering/looking at Facebook?
Let’s be honest, they’re probably not. IF they have the capacity to do anything, they will be trying to get a message to their nearest and dearest that they are ok, through whatever channels they normally use.
So, if we post something on their Facebook page, such as;
“Oh no it can’t be true!”
“Are you ok mate?”
“What’s going on?”
… we are pretty much walking into the living room of their mum / dad / aunt / spouse / best friend / cousin / anyone who knows them plus the media, with an ENORMOUS BLINKING NEON SIGN AND A LOUD HAILER saying,
“Your son / husband / nephew / friend MIGHT have been really badly injured, even dead, but I don’t know anything about it or have any other information for you about when, how or where they might be.”
The potential lesson here? This action doesn’t help anyone. In fact, in the case of Michael’s accident, it hurt a lot of people whom he loved. It created panic and a spread of misinformation. It also fed information to the media.
2. Posting statements or questions on your friend’s partner’s Facebook page or sending them messages, texts etc.
Question: When your friend’s loved one is involved in a serious accident, will your friend be checking/answering/looking at Facebook?
From my experience, they are not going to be looking at Facebook. Your friend’s partner (IF they know anything yet) is in a highly stressful situation and needs to be able to use their phone to establish contact with emergency services, immediate family, make travel arrangements etc. Don’t expect them to respond to you unless you are a very close mate. If they do respond, you’ll know they need you.
The consequences of contacting this person in a publicly visible forum like Facebook is exactly the same as the first example, above. But now you’ve entered another family/friend circle with that loud hailer and that neon sign.
The potential lesson here? This activity doesn’t help. In the case of Michael’s accident, it caused me and my immediate family and friends a lot of distress.
3. Sharing information that you have seen / heard / obtained from people at the scene of the accident, via any communication channel.
Question: Why do you need to share this information? Are you authorised to share this information? Is the information already public knowledge or not?
This one’s the kicker peeps… Passing on information from an incident when you are not performing a role in the incident is extremely dangerous as it becomes uncontrolled.
Here are a few examples of how damaging this action can be:
As I waited to board a plane in Sydney, desperate to get to Michael’s side and having just spoken to the surgeon standing next to him in the operating theatre, an experienced skydiver working in the industry in a different State tried to tell me over the phone that Michael was dead.
In the meantime, another individual, also in a different State, announced Michael’s death via group email (bizarrely including Michael and myself in the email too).
Now, I am an atheist but I prayed for an hour solid whilst flying from Sydney to Coolangatta that night. When I landed, I didn’t know if he had survived that hour or not. As I turned my phone on to establish a call with the hospital, I started receiving an avalanche of communications from people sending me their condolences.
The people mentioned above felt they knew the facts because information had been passed on to them from others. Neither of them were at the scene, nor performing any role in the handling of the incident (then or since), nor even in the same State. The onwards spreading of the mis-information that took place created immense distress to me, Michael’s family, my family and many of his and our close friends who are located all over the world and in different time zones.
The potential lesson here? This action can really, really hurt people unnecessarily when incorrect information gets out. Furthermore, it can rob people of the opportunity to inform their family and friends of a death when it does happen.
(BTW I’m desperately trying to find a way to tell you these stories honestly but sensitively, in a way that helps people to understand what can happen, but without any bitterness, blame or judgement on my part.)
I’m sure we can all spot the themes here. So what can we all learn from what has happened? Here are a few things that you could choose to do…
Scenario: If you believe that that your friend may be involved in an accident:
1. Take a breath, STOP and think; how is the best way to get hold of this person? In particular, if I choose to communicate on a public social forum, what repercussions might that have?
2. Call your friend by phone. If this fails, text them. Try to establish communications with them directly, one-to-one.
If they are ok, they will answer. If they are not ok, be prepared for the fact that they won’t answer.
3. Physically go to your friend’s house/ the dz / where you believe they are. When you get there, find out who’s in charge. If you’re up to it, volunteer to help.
4. Otherwise, wait for news from official channels. OR if you are in their inner circle, from their partner, parent, sibling etc.
It’s really, really hard but the main thing you might need to do in this situation is to WAIT and BE PATIENT.
Situation: you know the the spouse of a person involved in an accident (I mean really know them, as in you are in their inner circle of 3-5 closest friends):
Same as above…. call them and find out where they are and ask what you can do to help. Physically get to them if you can because they will be OUT OF THEIR MIND with worry and panic and potentially, grief. They will need your practical / physical help, a ride to the airport maybe, cash, a toothbrush, clothes. They will neither see nor give a $hit about a message you’ve sent them via Facebook.
Situation: you know an accident has taken place and you want to find out information about who, what, why, where:
1. Take a breath, STOP and think; why do I need this information? What am I going to do with it? Are there other people who should receive this information before me?
2. Ask yourself: if I choose to communicate on a public social forum, what implications would that have? Wait ten minutes to consider the consequences, then take your chosen action.
3. If you can’t get any information through private channels then you are far enough removed that you can wait for official reports to come out.
Situation: you know that a fatal accident has taken place and you want to share information about it with other people:
1. Take a breath, STOP and think; are you performing a role on behalf of the deceased’s family, the police, emergency services? If not, you need to think carefully about who you share information with, how you share it and what the repercussions may be, e.g. Media leaks, incorrect info reaching families.
What this all comes back to for me, is the view that the only people who are really qualified to announce a death, via social media or otherwise, are the deceased person’s immediate family, or the police. That’s my personal opinion. I respect that you will all have your own. I also respect that everyone has a right to grieve, however they choose to do so, and that the human need for comfort from others is a powerful natural response.
After Michael died, it was lovely to scroll through the photos and stories about him that people shared on the Facebook memorial page. It was even more lovely to personally receive a call, card, letter or email from people; that contact brought me a lot of comfort in the initial period afterwards.
I think I’ve said more than enough. Before I go, please take a moment to consider this; if you were badly injured or killed in an accident, how would you want the information to reach your partner, your parents, your sister or brother, cousin, mates …?
I hope you will accept my thoughts on this topic with my very best intentions. Please continue to look out for each other, on the ground and up in the beautiful blue room.
Please, please be kind to each other.
Kate x
*The content of this article is in no way intended to infer that any person who was on site at the accident on 27 March took part in any improper action nor intentionally spread misinformation. The author acknowledges that in the contextual examples above, individuals may have believed that they were acting on correct information and did so without any malice intended.
^ I will never forget, nor be more grateful, to the man who took on the task of calling me to tell me that an accident had taken place. David Gerraty, you brave soul. I’m forever in your debt.
August 13, 2015 at 9:33 am
Sorry for your loss.
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August 13, 2015 at 12:37 pm
Thank you, Bonnie
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August 13, 2015 at 3:26 pm
Hi Kate,
You are amazing! Thank you for these insights. We all are still learning how to live with social media – especially in such emotional situations.
Speaking for myself, I remember how, in those first days after the accident, I wondered what was the right thing to do. I knew your mind would not be with a message of sympathy from me, but at the same time I so much wanted to give you a sign of support, so that it was there when you were ready to see it.
I can only hope that I did (and am doing) things sort of right, and you feel I am there to support you and to be a friend. I hope this article is the first of many, to guide us how to support you now and in the future.
Lots of love
eveliene
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August 14, 2015 at 2:25 am
Thank you Eveliene. You have been a wonderful and sensitive supporter
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August 17, 2015 at 7:05 am
So thoughtfully and well written Kate. Thank you for sharing your experience and for the reminder to think before we communicate. As always your strength inspires me. Thank you gorgeous girl xx
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August 17, 2015 at 8:51 am
Kate, you are one amazing lady. The way you are coping with the cards that have been dealt and are continuing to attack life after Vaughny has moved on to the next world is such an inspiration. I can only hope that I would have the same strength. Xx
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August 17, 2015 at 12:50 pm
Kate,
Such a brave woman i ever known.
I’m sorry because there is no supportive words came from me and family as a friend, but i truly understands what is going on to you because i’ve had few experiences whe my boys involved in parachute accident back in Malaysia.
All the questions you threw, were very true.
What
Where
Where
When
How
And we have to see it very carefully before we explained it to the others about the news.
Be strong Kate. i still owe you one thing. your request to cuddle my first lil bub. But now i had a second one . Hopefully Next time.
P/s: i had an accident last month, and broke my left elbow. Nearly a fatal incident when our motorhome rollover 4 times
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August 17, 2015 at 12:54 pm
I have wanted to put this into words for the past 3 years. Thank you SO much for doing it with such warmth and openness.
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August 17, 2015 at 3:35 pm
To my dearest niece
Eloquently and sensitively written with such inner strength. I am so very proud of you.
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August 18, 2015 at 12:59 am
Thanks Auntie x
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August 17, 2015 at 6:40 pm
This should be distributed at every DZ. Very well written. Sorry for your loss.
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August 17, 2015 at 8:34 pm
What a brilliantly written article. I’ve lived with skydivers 99.9% of my life and totally support these words! So many times I’ve encouraged people to wait and see what/if has happened and where as rumours can cause such distress! I remind them it’s nothing to do with us unless we’re contacted directly. I know we all dread that call but wait! Don’t go looking for it!
Lastly Katie, I’m truly sorry for your loss 😔
Sarah x
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August 18, 2015 at 12:59 am
Thank you, Sarah
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August 18, 2015 at 2:10 pm
In 2013, my wife of 35 years was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer and was given 12 months to live. She chose to keep this news within a select group of friends and never mentioned it on-line. She thrived for 15 months without any sign of deterioration but in November of 2014, her mind began to slip. By January, we both knew the end was near. During a moment of clarity, she asked me to post a final goodbye on her FaceBook Page and we discussed the content. She passed 12 days later. I cannot know what you are feeling (if you are feeling at all) but I know first hand how hard this is. And I also know that in sharing this moment with you, our spouses are experiencing a moment of shared consciousness. God bless you, Sister. They say it gets easier. We shall see…
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August 18, 2015 at 10:41 pm
Thanks for sharing your story, Alan. I’m glad you both enjoyed some time together while she was well. My condolences for your loss.
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August 19, 2015 at 5:14 am
Thank you, Kate, for sharing your thoughts. Well said. I heard from my youngest daughter first.
Alana’s dad John
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August 19, 2015 at 7:40 am
John that’s awful. Big hugs to you all xo
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August 20, 2015 at 4:41 am
Yes, it was dreadful, I cannot explain how much, firstly the shocking news, and how bad it must have been for Taryn to tell me. But it was her choice to tell me, instead of the police.
I live in Thailand, and had that very afternoon arrived in Melbourne. Having not seen my daughters since prior to Christmas, I was planning to spend a week or so with them at Byron.
Big hugs to you X0
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September 27, 2015 at 8:17 pm
Reblogged this on Tala's Tracks and commented:
This is very well thought out and genuine. It is a set of standards we all need to exercise with regard to social media and modern communications. Good read.
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